My teenage daughter yelled at me for fifteen minutes this morning. How, you wonder, does that happen? Is she the boss? Is she allowed? Did I deserve it? I don’t know, no, no and hell no. My daughter is a sophomore in college, or at least should be if she didn’t fail three of her four classes last semester. She has her belly pierced, her tongue pierced, multiple piercings on her ears and she has a tattoo on the inside of her lip. Really, I did not raise a daughter to be like this. I comfort myself with the fact that at least she isn’t pregnant. Has she ever been? Hmm…don’t know for sure. She says no, but at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised. She is also not a druggie…at least she tells me she is not. Thankfully I have an unlimited supply of drug testing kits that I stocked up on while she was still in high school. Pure paranoia on my part.
My daughter was an honor student in high school. She graduated with a 3.5 GPA and entered the university with a 3.7 due to classes she had already taken at community college while a senior in high school. She was motivated and had plans! I wanted her to experience college life in the dorm and live on campus because I never experienced that. I worked all through college, struggled to find tuition and book money, married my husband for the health insurance (not really but it was a nice perk). I did whatever I could to get my degree. I wanted her to have a carefree experience where all she did was make awesome friends, join a sorority, thrive on campus and get good grades. Boy was I wrong on ALL levels. And this was just the beginning of my failures.
So, why did my daughter yell at me this morning? Because I hate her friends. I do. No secret. These are the friends that convinced her a tattoo was a good idea. And a tongue piercing. And not going to class. The list goes on. She is 19, and feels like she should be able to do whatever she wants. She can, if she moves out and is self sufficient. But she will not do whatever she wants while it is on my dime. So when she “told” me she was having dinner with one of her friends after work, I explained that I didn’t like that person she was going out to dinner with. Thus began my barrage of a lashing.
“Why don’t you like him? He goes to college! He’s going to be a doctor!” she exclaims.
“He’s only a sophomore in college, he’s not even pre-med yet. He just has a party that lasted three days while his parents were out of town and they didn’t know about it. He drinks and smokes.” I try to calmly tell her.
“My friends don’t drink that much and they don’t really party!” she screams.
“Your friends shouldn’t be drinking or partying at ALL! It is against the law!” I yell back.
“They’re good kids, why do you hate them?” she gets louder.
“Um, you just went to a New Year’s eve party where someone had sex in the middle of the room in front of the entire crowd who took pictures and videos!” I say back.
“Oh my god! Those aren’t even my friends!” she explains.
“Well what were you doing at a party where your not-friends were?”
“They just showed up!”
“Well you should not have been to a party like that!”
“Everyone was there!”
Oh, that explains it. Everyone was there. These aren’t her friends but they showed up to a party where there was drinking and sex and, I’m sure, drug use. But her friends are nice. Ok. Do I have STUPID stamped on my head? So I get yelled at and she stomps off in tears. Result – I didn’t get anywhere. I kind of hate her. I know she hates me. And for some reason, I don’t care. I want her to pull her head out of her butt and act like an adult or she will get treated like a child.
Here is where I failed. My mother did a great job in making me and my sisters and brother self sufficient. We did our own laundry starting at age 7 and we were NEVER handed anything without working really hard for it. I didn’t get a coveted pair of Nikes until I ran five miles with my mother. She was smart. I ended up joining the track team. I paid for college which meant I spent two years at community college. I bought my own car, which meant I paid 19% interest on my first loan. My god she was a smart woman.
With my own daughter, I thought I would help her along so she wouldn’t have to struggle. I bought her a car (two in fact), paid for her insurance, gas, gave her a gold American Express card, paid for college, gave her a cell phone, stupidly gave her everything. I thought I was doing her a favor and she would be grateful. Oh hell no. There is not a grateful bone in her body. She feels entitled. My fault.
So, when she went off to college for the start of her sophomore year, we made a deal….I would pay for college and her apartment and food as long as she was on the Dean’s list. She is so freaking far from the Dean’s list it’s not even funny. So, now, she has moved home, pays her own insurance, asks to use the car, pays her cell phone bill, is going to community college on her dime and she is paying me back for the $1500 dollars I had to spend to buy out her lease on her apartment and she has a curfew. Her response, “I hate living at home!” News flash! Get the hell out and find your own place to live! I have no problem with that! “But I have nowhere to hang out with my friends!” News flash! You are lucky to have a bedroom!
So for my 19 year old daughter who yelled at me for not liking her stupid friends this morning, be home by 9:00pm because it’s a school night!
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